Fifteen Long

What the hell is Betsy doing in the bathroom for so long? Digging for clams?

My Tinder date was so pathetic I would have had a way better time spelunking—and I have a hook for a hand!

Oh, hi, Mom. No, I’m not busy, just tickling my fancy. What, you too?

What the fuck? Are you flicking Fiona? Both hands on the wheel, bitch. We’re on the freeway!

Some say roof repair and slugging the sister make a dangerous combination, but I call that shit multitasking.

Who can blame me for damning the beaver? That was the most boring Christmas pageant ever!

So there I was, shucking the oyster, when the DMV clerk finally called out my number. My Real ID photo is going to be awesome.

Grandma's wake may not be the best time for hittin’ the kitten, but damn, have you tasted Aunt Betty's casserole?

This wasn't the first time I’ve been kicked out of church for twanging the meringue, but I didn't even get to finish giving my sermon.

Denching the Judy is the last thing I’d think to do when getting mauled by a grizzly, but that's Allison for you.

I was having a fabulous time pinching the princess until the epidural kicked in. Not even out of the womb, and that kid's already cramping my style.

Rubbin’ the nubbin while defusing a bomb probably wasn't a smart idea, but at least Mary died doing what she loved.

If you’re not too busy beating around the bush, how about you finish replacing the patient's heart valve?

I know murder is a serious charge, officer, but can't this wait until I’m done twiddling my thumb?

It turns out you can land a Dreamliner while surfing the slit. Suck it, FAA!